Depression is a confusing thing. It’s disorientating. Apart from feeling very low at times, it also screws-up your perception. When I’m down, it feels like forever, even if two days ago I was fine. Time stretches in odd ways. But what I’m going to write about is success.
I remember a motivational poster at high school: “whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.” But for me that’s not true. I make plans, really looking forward to something, then be unable to face it. I find it difficult to accept, but sometimes I simply cannot do things, because of these irrational defects in my brain. But then blaming the depression feels like a fake excuse, and I feel worse because of it.
I know it’s frustrating to others, too – I’m constantly making arrangements with people, only to let them down. And when they call, I can’t face answering it. So I feel worse.
A lot of things contribute like this to what I’ve started calling a self-hate spiral. Feeling down puts me in a position where I cannot meet my responsibilities; I blame myself; I feel worse; I am unable to do even more. I have lost many weekends to something small on a Friday evening knocking me off-balance. Fortunately, work tends to stabilize me – I find going to work easier because I don’t havea choice in it.
Anyway, I don’t know why I’m writing this, and I’m not sure if I’ll publish it.